


i want

by littlebmam



Category: Holby City
Genre: 5+1 Things, Army, Blindfolds, Cuddles, F/F, Fireworks, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26253265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlebmam/pseuds/littlebmam
Summary: 5 times Bernie struggled with asking for what she wanted and 1 time she didn't have to ask.
Relationships: Serena Campbell/Bernie Wolfe
Comments: 58
Kudos: 110





	1. Bernie wants to cuddle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Persiflage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Persiflage/gifts).



> This story is for @Persiflage who inspires me to keep writing, to keep trying to get better!

Serena was so engrossed in her book when Bernie came in from the en-suite that she didn’t notice the woman abruptly stopping in her tracks, getting completely lost in the sight before her. Bernie leaned against the doorway, eyes fixed on Serena sitting up on her side of the bed, book in her lap, glasses perched on her nose. The pure domesticity of the sight greeting her filled her all the way to the brim with warmth. She truly had finally found her home, her very own space in this world, in the entire universe.

Bernie suddenly got the urge to be wrapped up in Serena’s arms, to be kept warm and safe through the night by the embrace of her lover.

Bernie moved over to her side of the bed, still unnoticed by Serena, and slid under the covers. She had never thought much of cuddling; with Marcus she didn’t want to, with Alex she didn’t get to and there really hadn’t been anyone else. Like most other things, this was completely different with Serena but because she had gone for so long without such simple humane gestures of love and comfort such as cuddling, she hadn’t had the chance to develop a vocabulary to express her desire for it. And never before had she felt so acutely how touch-starved she has been her entire life.

„Hey, Serena,” Bernie eventually said, feeling more than a little awkward, wishing not for the first time to be even half as good as Serena at telling people what she wants.

„Hm?” Serena asked distractedly, not lifting her eyes from the page she was reading.

„Do you- erm, are you cold?” Bernie cringed internally at her own clumsy attempt to steer Serena into asking to be cuddled just so she herself could be held.

„What? No. Why?” Serena asked, looking up for a moment, one of her eyebrows arched.

„Oh, I- I was just wondering if you needed me to keep you warm,” Bernie mumbled, her eyes fixed on Serena’s, almost begging her to understand what she was trying to tell her without actually saying it out loud.

No such luck.

„No, thanks, I’m good. I’m quite warm actually,” Serena said, smiling softly at Bernie’s offer. She’d been feeling the effects of menopause more strongly in the recent weeks and told Bernie as much.

Bernie’s face fell at Serena’s words. The desire to simply blurt out that she wanted Serena to hold her was strong but the thought of forcing her hand made her feel decidedly uneasy. Bernie knew that if only she asked, Serena would provide her with top quality cuddles, no questions asked, but if Serena was already struggling with hot flashes, the last thing she wanted to do was make Serena uncomfortable.

So Bernie mumbled something in understanding, wished Serena a good night and turned over to face the edge of the bed, trying to hide the childish pout she couldn’t keep from taking over her features. It wasn’t Serena’s fault she was verbally, well, useless, apparently.

In an instant Serena’s hand was resting on her shoulder, the palm radiating warmth and a fraction of the feeling of safety and comfort Bernie so longed for tonight.

„Are you okay?” Serena’s soft voice asked, closer to Bernie’s ear than she had expected, making her startle a little.

„Yeah-” Bernie’s voice broke on the single syllable. „Yeah, I’m fine,” she tried again with more success.

„You sure?” the hand on her shoulder squeezed softly.

„Mh-hm.”

„Are _you_ cold?” Serena asked, her voice a peculiar mixture of kind teasing and concern.

„What?” Bernie turned over to look at Serena.

Serena set the book she had been reading and had kept a finger between to mark the page on the bedside table, face down, the glasses joining it the next moment, and turned her full attention to the emotionally inept, yet impossibly and infuriatingly adorable woman lying next to her.

„You asked me if I was cold, I’m not. Are you?” she repeated patiently.

„No.”

„Then what is it?” Serena asked, making an effort to keep her voice calm and soft, not wanting to make Bernie feel as if talking and listening to her was a chore when it was anything but.

„It’s nothing,” Bernie shook her head softly, as if trying to force herself to stop thinking about it. The small gesture alone made Serena’s concern grow tenfold.

„Is something wrong?” Serena asked cautiously, wanting to get Bernie to talk but not wanting to push her too far.

„No,” Bernie said and Serena thought she seemed sincere.

„But something’s on your mind. Tell me!”

„It’s silly. I’m just being stupid. It doesn’t matter,” Bernie said, looking away from Serena and she looked almost embarrassed.

„Well, this is getting us nowhere!” Serena exclaimed, becoming exasperated. They truly were getting nowhere.

Bernie snapped her face back toward Serena. „I’m sorry,” Bernie rushed to say.

„Don’t apologise. Just, please, tell me what’s on your mind,” Serena reached her hand out again to softly card her fingers through Bernie’s hair.

„I- uh- Iwanttocuddlewithyou!” Bernie blurted out quietly.

„You want to cuddle?” Serena asked, partly to check if she’d heard correctly, partly out of surprise that Bernie had been so worried about asking for it, but there was nothing in her tone to indicate she was cross with Bernie.

Bernie looked at Serena with such a relieved expression on her face that Serena had to fight the urge to laugh out loud. Bernie was right, she really truly was silly.

„Oh, what am I going to do with you?” Serena asked, smiling fondly. She turned off the bedside lamp and moved over to Bernie’s side of the bed.

„Turn over, I’ll be the big spoon,” she said, wrapping her arm around Bernie’s waist, pulling their bodies close together, adjusting the blanket so her back wasn’t completely covered to keep herself cool enough during the night.

She pressed a kiss to Bernie’s shoulder and felt the ridiculous, amazing, silly woman in her arms shuffle back a little to press their bodies even more tightly together, letting out a sigh of contentment as she did so.

„You know,” Serena said, nuzzling her nose against the back of Bernie’s neck, „if you want to cuddle with me, all you have to do is ask. Or not even that. If your hair starts to tickle my nose, I’m sure I’ll take the hint.”

Bernie let out another small sigh.

„I know. I just- well, I’m not very good at- ah, asking for things, I suppose.”

„Then you’ll just need to practice. You know I can’t say no to you anyway so you can ask me for anything.”

Bernie turned her head to peek at Serena over her shoulder, a mischievous smile on her face.

„Anything?”

„Well, I’m sure I can be convinced,” Serena replied, her eyebrows waggling up and down suggestively.

„As tempted as I might be, do you mind if we just cuddle tonight? Wait! Aren't you going to be too warm?” Bernie asked, remembering what Serena had said earlier.

„I don't mind at all, darling. And if I get too warm I'll just push the blanket over to you." Serena kissed Bernie again, this time behind her ear. "See, it wasn’t so hard to ask for what you want, was it? Though you could also do with being a bit more direct...”

„Hey! Can I have some support here?!” Bernie asked, feigning offence, feeling much more relaxed and playful now that she was finally where she wanted to be.

„I am supporting you!” Serena winked and added, „It was constructive criticism.”


	2. Bernie wants to go home

Bernie moved over to Serena’s side, wrapping her arm around her waist and pulling their bodies flush against one another.

„You ready to go?” she asked, pressing her mouth against Serena’s temple.

Serena pulled slightly away from Bernie, looking at her incredulously.

„What?! Of course not! I came to watch the fireworks!” she exclaimed, then added in a more quiet tone when she noticed Bernie’s face reddening in embarrassment. “I mean, the stalls are nice and all but the fireworks is the main event. It should start any minute now. You’re going to love it!”

Serena’s eyes filled with excitement like those of a child on Christmas morning at the thought of the colourful fire-show about to light up the sky above Holby. She wasn’t generally very fond of autumn but the festivities of the 5th of November brought a light to the gloomiest time in the year and it was no secret that Serena felt great adoration for anything even remotely festive.

„Okay.” The word had barely left Bernie’s mouth when the first firework exploded in the distance, the bang startling Bernie.

Serena’s faced turned towards the sky instinctively to look at the colourful explosion, not noticing Bernie going tense by her side.

„Come on,” she said when the bright light died down, tugging on Bernie’s arm. „Let’s move, the view’s much better over there.”

There was another explosion decorating the dark sky and Bernie stopped abruptly.

„Oh, I think the show’s start- Bernie?” Serena cut herself off when she noticed Bernie was not following her, trying to divide her attention between the sky and Bernie.

„I- uh-” Bernie looked at Serena, her eyes slightly hazy and unfocused. „I- I need to use the restroom.”

„What, now? You’re gonna miss it!” Serena said, her eyes jumping from the sky that was lit up with reds, greens and blues to Bernie’s dark eyes.

„Sorry,” Bernie mumbled and turned away to force her way through the crowd towards a coffee shop that was mostly unoccupied now that the fireworks were about to start.

Serena had no other option but to stay where she was to make sure Bernie could still find her once she came back. Her slight annoyance at the awful timing of Bernie’s bladder, mulled wine be damned, was gone, though, the moment she turned to look at the sky once more. The fireworks truly were beautiful. She had always found them magical ever since she was a child and her love for it had not diminished with age, not even a bit.

It was about 20 or 30 minutes later, Serena was surprised to discover when checking her watch, because it had felt like less than five, when the show was over and Serena realised that Bernie hadn’t returned to her side. She looked around at the crowd that had started moving again, trying to see if Bernie had simply lost sight of her and had decided to watch from somewhere else, but there was no sight of the familiar and only slightly messy, thank you very much, blonde mop of hair.

Serena frowned and started moving through the crowd towards the coffee shop she thought Bernie had gone into.

Serena entered, feeling the warmth wash over her like a wave. Scanning the space in front of her quickly, she noticed Bernie almost instantly, sitting at the back of an almost empty coffee shop, headphones in, eyes focused on her phone screen. Serena wondered if one of her children had video-called her but as she moved closer she heard the music that was unmistakably coming from Bernie’s headphones.

_Is that Spice Girls?!_

„Bernie?” Serena asked, trying to catch the other woman’s attention.

Bernie gave no sign of having heard Serena so she put her hand on the blonde’s shoulder. The unexpected touch caused Bernie to jump, almost making her lose her grip on her phone but she just barely managed to save it from being dropped to the dark wooden floor.

Bernie quickly ripped the headphones out, looking at Serena, resembling for all intents and purposes a puppy who had been caught chewing on their owner’s favourite pair of shoes.

„What are you doing here?! Watching Spice Girls music videos?” Serena asked, genuinely annoyed and, frankly, a little pissed off. She had made sure, when making the rotas for November, to have Monday the 5th off for both of them so they’d be able to spend the day together. The fact that Bernie would rather sit alone and stare at her phone instead of being outside with her made her feel silly for having been so exited for this day because Bernie obviously couldn’t care less.

Bernie stared at Serena, her mouth moving but no words left her lips. Serena noted with a hint of satisfaction the genuine shame and guilt on Bernie’s face but it did very little to lessen the hurt Bernie’s decision had inflicted upon her feelings.

„Was that really so important?” Serena asked when it was obvious that no words were going to come out of Bernie’s mouth any time soon, still more than a little shocked at Bernie’s choice of entertainment.

„Well, uh- I- ah-”

„You know what? Nevermind! Let’s just leave, hm?” Serena said, her festive mood long forgotten, leaving behind only exhaustion and hurt.

„It helps!” Bernie blurted out loudly when Serena had started to turn away from her. The staff and the few customers inside the coffee shop were staring at them and Bernie was suddenly hyper aware of it. She lowered her voice, avoiding the gaze of anyone other than Serena who had turned back to face her, her expression now showing nothing but plain confusion, brows furrowed and lips pursed.

„It helps. The music, I mean. I- uh, Charlotte really liked the Spice Girls when she was growing up. One summer when I was home she made me watch all the music videos and sing along with her...”

Serena sat down next to Bernie, not in a hurry to leave now that Bernie seemed to have finally rediscovered her ability to speak and genuinely interested in whatever the explanation that Bernie was going to give her was.

„And, what? You suddenly got the urge to reminisce over the good ol’ days?” she asked, though her voice was no longer as angry as much as it was just annoyed.

„What? No!” Bernie shook her head for emphasis. „No! I- it’s the fireworks. I mean, they’re beautiful and all and I used to really like them when I was younger but now- now they’re nothing more than irregular and unexpected explosions in the dark and-”

The realisation hit Serena like a brick in the face and she mentally chastised herself for not having thought of it before she asked Bernie to accompany her tonight. The previous year she’d had the day off while Bernie was working and they’d both been on shift on New Year’s Eve. She moved closer to Bernie, her right arm coming to rest on the back of Bernie’s chair, her left one grabbing a hold of Bernie’s hand.

„I’m so sorry, darling! I shouldn’t have gotten angry with you,” Serena dropped her head to Bernie shoulder, taking a deep breath, filling her lungs with the familiar earthy scent of her lover.

She looked up again. „Why didn’t you tell me? We could’ve gone home.”

Bernie let out a humourless chuckle, her fingers entwined with Serena’s tightening their hold.

„I did ask you if you wanted to go home. You didn’t. I really thought I could just grin and bear it, sit through the fireworks, but then it started...” Bernie’s voice trailed off, her cheeks colouring in embarrassment, eyes jumping around the room, landing on anything other than Serena’s.

„And then it turned out to be too much,” Serena finished for her quietly, the hand behind Bernie moving soothingly up and down her back.

„Yeah. Anyway, I didn’t want to make you leave, or make you worried, so I thought it’d be best if I just stayed inside and tried to block out the sounds. And the memories associated with these songs helped keep me distracted from whatever was filtering through,” Bernie murmured quietly to her lap.

„Bernie, look at me!”

Serena waited for Bernie’s eyes to meet her own, only continuing once they did.

„You have nothing to be ashamed of and you have nothing to apologise for. But you should’ve told me. No firework show, however beautiful, is worth making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.”

„But you shouldn’t miss out on something because of me,” Bernie tried but Serena stopped that particular train of thought immediately.

„I wouldn’t have missed out on anything important. The fireworks are not important. You are important. So next time you want to go home, you tell me you want to go home. Don’t try to mask it with chivalry by asking if I want to leave because perhaps I won’t. So tell me you want to go because you wanting to leave is more than enough reason for me to want to leave as well. Understood?” Serena asked, tucking her head a little to be able to look at Bernie through her conveniently placed fringe.

Bernie offered her a small smile and an almost imperceptible nod.

„Understood. Thank you.”

„Always, my love. Always. But now,” Serena looked around them. „I think we’ve been providing free entertainment to people here for long enough so how about we go home. Early night?”

Bernie’s cheeks flushed an even darker shade of red at the thought of putting on a public display, though no one was really paying any attention to them.

„Yes, please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	3. Bernie wants to go on a vacation

Bernie and Serena were sprawled on the sofa in front of the telly after another awfully long and exhausting day, only half-watching some movie that they happened to be showing tonight, occasionally sipping wine leftover from dinner. Take-away, that is, because neither of them could be bothered to put any effort into making a home-cooked meal, even if it meant simply defrosting and heating up a frozen lasagna.

“I was thinking,” Bernie started out of nowhere, pulling Serena out of her thoughts. “We should go on a trip.”

“What?” Serena was a little surprised but after only a second of digesting the random proposal, it did make sense to her. It had been a while since either of them had been on a vacation and they had never taken a proper one together. She told Bernie as much.

“So you’d like to go?” Bernie asked, eyes lighting up in excitement. The sight caused a wave of sadness to spread in Serena as she realised that it had been way too long since she last saw that look in Bernie’s eyes, or her own for that matter. Their jobs were demanding on any normal day but recently it had been even more difficult than usual. The hospital was going through a bit of a rough time, having recently lost more than a few staff members for one reason or another, and that did nothing to help ease their burden as there seemed to be even more accidents and tragedies than usual.

“Of course,” she agreed easily but added, “Not now though.”

As happy as she was to entertain the idea of getting on a plane to whichever country had picked their fancy, she knew it would put a strain on her colleagues and however much she wished she could, she wouldn’t want to do that to her AAU family.

Bernie’s head pulled back in confusion, brows furrowing. “Why not? We have more than enough vacation days under our belts to allow ourselves a proper holiday.”

“The hospital is already a consultant and one too many doctors short. Us going away at the same time right now would be a terrible idea.”

“Then they’ll find a locum or two to-” Bernie tried but got cut off by Serena.

“Or! Or we wait with our vacation until we’re no longer short-staffed.”

“And how long are we going to wait for that?” Bernie asked vehemently, her heated reaction catching Serena a little off guard. “My experience thus far has been that there is a permanent lack of medical staff. Does that mean we can never take time off?”

“No, of course not. I’m just saying that buggering off to the other side of the world for two weeks right now would be selfish,” Serena tried to reason with Bernie.

“Fine! Then let’s be selfish,” Bernie said, draining her wine in one go, sitting up and setting the glass down on the coffee table.

“Fine!” Serena exclaimed. “Go ahead, be selfish, get on a plane and fly off to the other side of the bloody world and leave the rest of us to do your work!”

“What’s that supposed to mean!?” Bernie stuttered out, shocked at Serena’s accusation. “Do my work? Because needing time off work is selfish!?”

Serena let out a slow deep breath to bring the situation and her own emotions, threatening to over-boil, back under control.

“That’s not what I-” Serena tried to explain calmly.

“No,” Bernie shook her head. “That’s exactly what you said. I told you that I needed to get away and you said it makes me selfish.”

There was no anger in Bernie’s voice, the wounded look on her face making Serena’s heart clench. She berated herself for not paying more attention to Bernie during this conversation because it obviously meant more to her than she was able to express. Serena knew she was perhaps a bit too attached to the hospital and especially her ward which she considered her second home, her second family almost. Definitely her ‘baby’ she had nurtured and watched grow and develop. And she did feel almost weirdly guilty when she had to leave it behind for a longer period of time. That combined with Bernie’s lack of communication skills when it comes to talking about her needs was a deadly combination, as it turned out.

Serena put her hand beneath Bernie’s chin to lift her eyes to meet her own.

“I’m sorry,” she said, willing Bernie to believe that the last thing she thought of Bernie was that she was selfish. She had never met anyone with a stronger and more infuriating tendency to put everyone else’s needs before their own. Perhaps Bernie had finally reached her limit.

“Why do you need to go?” Serena asked softly.

Bernie’s gaze left Serena’s, landing on the wall somewhere to the left of Serena’s head.

“I just need some time off.” Bernie let out a pitiful sigh. “I- I’m tired. Exhausted. I feel like it’s only ever work-work-work these days and we only ever seem to lose patients, one after another. Maybe I’m making more mistakes because I’m so f- bloody drained from energy, I don’t know. But I need to get away because this,” she gestured vaguely to refer to everything or maybe nothing in particular, “has just become too much.”

Bernie looked at Serena, her eyes flooding with tears she failed to keep at bay, certainly not for the lack of trying. Her lips stretched into a sad watery smile.

“I was hoping you’d want to come with me. I understand if you don’t. Can’t. And I know I’m being selfish but I don’t think I have the energy not to be right now,” she finished quietly, her voice cracking, gaze dropping down to her lap.

“Oh, darling!” Serena moved forward, pulling Bernie into a tight hug. “Why didn’t you start with that?”

“I’m-”

“No,” Serena squeezed the body in her arms a little tighter. Bernie’s arms wrapped tightly around her own body and Serena realised that however much she cared for her ward, it could never come even close to what she felt for Bernie, and that the woman in her arms, who seemed to be one bad news or long day away from completely falling apart, was what was really important. Making sure they could recharge their batteries and got to spend some quality time together should be her priority.

“Listen,” Serena said, carding her finders through Bernie’s hair. “I’m coming with you. You’re right, we need some time to ourselves. I don’t care where we go as long as we go together. But I’m asking you to wait just a little bit longer. We’ll talk to Hanssen tomorrow, give him a few days to find someone to take over the ward while we’re gone. And then we’ll go. Do you think you can you manage that?”

Serena felt Bernie nod against her shoulder.

“Yeah,” she muttered against her neck. “Yes. Thank you.”

“No need to thank me. And remember, you’re not a bad doctor. You’re one of the best. And you save so many lives, have saved and will continue to save so many lives. My wonderful, fearless surgeon.”

Serena heard the smile in Bernie’s voice when she asked instead of acknowledging the compliment, “Where would you like to go?”

Serena thought for a moment. She’d meant it when she said she didn’t care as long as they got to go together.

“Why don’t we throw a dart at a map?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this was another angsty one but I promise that the next one is going to be much more light-hearted.  
> English is still not my native language so forgive any mistakes I might've made.  
> Thank you for reading and, as always, I'm a sucker for comments!


	4. Bernie wants to try something new

Serena was curled up against Bernie, head resting on her shoulder, left arm draped across her body, hand resting on her hipbone Serena had told her on numerous occasions was sharp enough to poke her eye out if she wasn’t careful enough. That of course didn’t mean she didn’t thoroughly enjoy and absolutely adore each and every part of her lover’s body.

Bernie had been quiet for a while now, though Serena knew she wasn’t asleep, the hand mindlessly caressing her back a clear indication of that. Bernie seemed to be deep in thought, as if gathering her courage for something. Serena knew not to ask her what she was thinking so hard about, that she simply had to wait until Bernie found the words to say what was on her mind.

Serena was warm and comfortable and so had no objections to waiting for however long Bernie needed, as long as she got to do that half-lying on top of her personal hot water bottle. It was one of those nights she felt chilly in the evening instead of fearing spontaneous combustion and she was more than a little grateful for that.

Bernie took a deep breath and Serena smiled, thinking _here we go_.

“Serena?”

“Hm?” Serena murmured, pretending she hadn’t been expecting Bernie to initiate a conversation for quite some time now.

“I was wondering…” Bernie trailed off, as if waiting for Serena to give her permission to continue but most likely simply buying a little bit more time to prepare herself for what she wanted to say.

“Okay,” Serena said, looking up at Bernie’s face. “That’s good,” she teased lightly.

“Hush,” Bernie smiled in response, suddenly feeling more confident. Well, not exactly confident, but it was progress. This was Serena and she could tell her anything, ask for anything. She had no reason, no proof from past interactions to think otherwise.

“I- do you- I was wondering if- well, if you’d like to try something… new?” Bernie stumbled over her words, mentally cursing herself for not being able to formulate one simple question she’d been thinking about asking all night.

Serena’s eyebrows rose in surprise and amusement, a flirtatious smile teasing on her lips.

“My, my, Major! Are you asking me if I would like to spice things up in the bedroom?”

“I- well, yes,” Bernie admitted, an embarrassed blush colouring her cheeks which Serena found endlessly endearing. The fact that her big bad macho had an apparent inability to control her emotions and reactions where work wasn’t concerned was one of the many things she absolutely loved about her.

“You know I’m always up for a little adventure. Maybe not in the wilderness but on a quality mattress between expensive sheets, always,” Serena said, tickling Bernie’s hip. She’d given up trying to get Bernie to open up about her fantasies a long time ago, the topic making her partner obviously uncomfortable, and was therefore very happy to discover that she finally felt confident enough to initiate a conversation to talk about them herself.

Bernie’s right hand stopped Serena’s teasing, instead tangling their fingers together. Serena couldn’t find it in herself to mind and apparently Bernie hadn’t either if the nose nuzzling Serena’s hair was any indication.

“Did you have anything in particular in mind?” Serena asked, when it was apparent Bernie needed a little nudge to keep the conversation going.

“Ah, well, I was thinking about,” Bernie stopped for a moment, searching for the right words. “Have you heard about sensory deprivation?”

Serena smiled at Bernie’s words, finding her partner’s shyness both sweet and amusing.

“Of course I have. Is that your way of saying you want to blindfold me?” she asked, squeezing Bernie’s fingers and pressing an affectionate kiss below her chin. She found the idea quite appealing and it was definitely something she had thought about doing on one or two occasions but it simply hadn’t come up before.

“Oh! I- well-” Bernie was back to stuttering, finding the entire conversation awkward and embarrassing. Not that it reflected in any way her opinion of her and Serena’s sex life but talking about her feelings was far from being one of her strengths and so was talking about her sex life. Combine these two and you have Bernie Wolfe’s very own personalised nightmare.

“Would- is that something you would be interested in?” she asked, not daring to say what was really on her mind.

_Get it together, Wolfe!_

“Oh, I’d certainly be more than happy to give it a go.”

“O- okay,” Bernie nodded but otherwise remained silent which alarmed Serena a little, warning her that there was more to it.

“Is- is this something you’d be willing to do? Blindfold me, I mean,” Serena asked. “Only, you brought it up so I assumed you’d have nothing against it.”

“No! No, of course not. I’d be happy to do that,” Bernie rushed to assure Serena but the tension in her body gave no sign of leaving.

“Then what is it?” Serena pushed herself up on her elbow to be able to get a better look at Bernie’s face. She’d learned to read the barely perceptible changes in it from the very beginning of their relationship, even before that. Mainly because of Bernie’s leaning towards non-verbal communication. though she was getting better at talking the longer she was with Serena.

“I was- well, when I asked, I didn’t really think about me blindfolding you…” Bernie trailed off. Serena knew instantly what Bernie meant by that but decided not to high-jack the conversation but instead let Bernie take her time to say it herself.

It took almost half a minute of silence before Bernie spoke again.

“I was- I’d like to be the one to- I’d like you to blindfold me,” she said quietly, her eyes fixed on Serena’s. The look on her face was shy and the colour of her skin was close to that of beetroot but she had managed to get the request out without breaking eye contact with Serena.

Serena was filled with joy and pride. She knew Bernie found few things as difficult as asking for things, telling others about her own desires and needs, and it may have taken her a while to get there but she had managed to ask for Serena to do something she thought she’d enjoy. Not presenting it as something Serena might want to do to or for her, not trying to sell it in any way, but asking her to do it for herself simply because.

Serena grinned from ear to ear, almost feeling silly for the fact that her eyes watered a little, as she pressed clumsy kisses to Bernie’s cheek.

“Of course, darling. We can definitely try that, anytime you like.”

Bernie’s lips stretched into a smile of their own at Serena’s instant agreement and support, shyness forgotten and any tension that had been in her body easing in an instant. She pulled Serena closer but wasn’t able to keep herself from checking that Serena really was okay with this.

“Mm,” Serena murmured against Bernie’s neck. “Definitely more than okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! A little break from angst.  
> Thank you for reading! And, please, feel free to fuel me with comments.


	5. Bernie wants Serena to go with her

Bernie made her way into her and Serena’s shared office slowly, seemingly not paying much attention to the people around her, moving almost as if in a dream. It wasn’t that Bernie was unprofessional or in an obviously, well, no one could really tell what mood Bernie was in, but the fact that her mood was so very different from her usually professional (with just the slightest hint of aloofness) attitude when at work, was apparent to anyone but no one quite knew what to make of it. But because nothing seemed to be wrong enough to warrant worry and everyone was entitled to have their off days, no one paid much attention to it. Whatever it was, Serena could and would handle it if Bernie needed help.

Bernie shut the door behind her and flopped down into her office chair, resting her hands behind her head and leaning back to stare at Serena until she was finished with whatever she was working on on her computer and was ready to pay attention to the woman who was outwardly leisurely hanging across her seat, baring no small resemblance to a puppy who was sitting and waiting for belly rubs, but on the inside was about to crawl out of her skin with the desire to express what was troubling her.

This feeling of yearning to be open and honest with another person was still so new and strange for Bernie she was subconsciously still trying to fight against it because of how unnatural it seemed to her. But when she caught herself trying to suppress this feeling, she admonished herself for trying to avoid giving to Serena what Serena herself had given Bernie from the very beginning of their acquaintance, friendship and eventually relationship: complete openness and honesty.

Serena’s gaze jumped to Bernie for a moment, taking in her posture which indicated she was obviously waiting for something, then focused back on her work. The sooner she finished, the sooner she could direct her full attention to Bernie. She had been waiting for Bernie to come forward with whatever it was that was on her mind for most of yesterday and all of today and was annoyed that the work she had initially planned as a distraction was now becoming an obstacle instead.

After a few more minutes Serena pressed enter on her keyboard with flourish, shut the document and leaned back in her chair, mirroring Bernie’s position, raising her eyebrow to indicate she was ready to listen.

“So,” Bernie started, flicking her bangs away from her eyes.

“They opened a new restaurant in Holby,” she said, then stopped as if that statement in and of itself was enough of an explanation for the change in her mood in the recent days.

Serena’s brow furrowed a little at the length, or lack thereof, of Bernie’s speech. She had genuinely expected more, that one sentence not adequate by even Bernie’s almost non-existent standards.

“Well, I’m always happy to avoid cooking but what has this got to do with anything?” she asked patiently.

“It opened a few weeks ago, they serve Middle Eastern cuisine and the restaurant has some amazing reviews. I thought maybe we could try it out,” Bernie said, leaning forward to rest her arms on the pile of folders on her desk.

“That’s the reason you’re now for the second day walking around like Scapin, spinning a clever master plan in your head?” Serena asked in disbelief.

She knew Bernie took great pleasure in small things in life and it was no secret that the hedonistic part in herself was also mainly interested in the more simple pleasures in life, like good wine, Italian food and quality bed linen. Nevertheless she found it a bit hard to believe that the only cause for Bernie’s obvious change in mood was the fact that there was a new restaurant she wanted to try. Especially a Middle Eastern one. Serena herself had never found the taste for this cuisine, the flavours too unusual for her palette. And wanting to try out a restaurant would make a normal person feel excited, perhaps, not mellow.

“Well, yes. I-” Bernie shook her head as if to stop herself from saying out loud what had been on her mind. She looked a little taken aback at Serena’s reaction and Serena noticed Bernie’s face falling with a twist in her gut.

“Sorry,” she said quickly. “So, tell me, where is this place?”

Bernie perked up a little at Serena’s question.

“Oh, it’s not too far. Do you remember that ice cream shop we went to last summer? It’s right next to that place.”

“Not too far?!” Serena exclaimed mockingly, not able to stop herself. “That’s on the other side of Holby.”

“Well, yes. But I thought we could go tonight, I made a reservation. We have tomorrow off so-” Bernie tried to keep Serena’s rapidly deteriorating mood up.

“What? Bernie, this is ridiculous! Give me the best traffic ever seen in this town, which by the way is not going to happen, and it’s still going to take us more than forty minutes to get to the other side of town. So most likely it’s going to be more than an hour to get there and about the same to get back," Serena let out a small sigh. "Look, I know you had good intentions but after a long shift at work the last thing I want to do is take on a bloody road trip just to suffer through some average food.”

The moment Serena closed her mouth she wished she had never opened it in the first place. The wounded look on Bernie’s face was one she had only seen on a handful of occasions before, some of which had, Serena was loathe to admit, been of her own doing, and each time she had vowed to never put that look on her lover’s face ever again. And here it was, caused by her own short temper and tongue which had the talent of being among other things also quite cruel at times.

“Okay,” Bernie croaked out, then coughed once to clear her voice. “I’ll, uh, I’ll just call and cancel the…”

“Bernie, I’m sorry!” Serena stood, moving to Bernie’s side of the desk, leaning against it. She fought the urge to reach out and pull Bernie into a hug.

“No! It’s fine, really. I- I just- I mean, it was meant to be a bit of a surprise- well, not surprise,” Bernie looked up at Serena through her fringe. “We haven’t had an evening out in a while and this, going to this restaurant was something I wanted to do with you...” Bernie trailed off.

Serena reached out, resting her hand on the table in front of Bernie, palm up for her to take if she wanted to. Bernie immediately took hold of Serena’s hand with both of her own and instead of wringing her own fingers like she usually did when nervous she played with Serena’s instead. With her own hands she was occasionally a bit rough but the tenderness with which she almost caressed Serena’s hand brought a tear to Serena’s eye. She really didn’t deserve that after the way she had just trampled over Bernie’s feelings.

“War zones are not… very pleasant.”

Serena was taken aback by the turn Bernie’s thoughts had taken. Bernie talked about it very rarely and Serena could make an educated guess as to what the reason for that might be. To be honest, they weren’t nice stories to listen to, but she treasured them all the same because they were stories about Bernie’s life, the things she had seen and experienced, the things she remembered, things that had shaped her and eventually brought her to Serena. Bernie brought these memories up at the most random moments, just like this one. Serena had no idea where she was going with this but had every intention to sit and listen and find out.

“Well, anyway, we were always trying to find the good in life. And usually we found it in food. It is so simple, so universal, yet so different depending on who's making it. We’d try the local foods, learn to make them ourselves,” Bernie’s eyes were fixed on their hands as she spoke. “Especially Nicholas, Nicky. He was always trying to find new recipes. We didn’t have much space or equipment for culinary experiments but he somehow always made it work. And he had so much talent for it. When everything felt...horrible and hopeless, like there was no humanity or kindness left in this world, we’d sit down and eat the food he made and remind ourselves that we’re all just people, no matter where from, trying to live our lives as best as we could. When things got tough, it gave us comfort.”

Bernie’s eyes had turned glossy as she spoke. Serena knew there was more to it so remained quiet to let Bernie continue at her own pace.

“Nicky died. I- uh, I couldn’t save him. He-” Bernie cut herself off, hiding her face behind her hair. Serena’s hand which had thus far been lying on her lap joined her other one and she gave Bernie’s hands what she hoped was a comforting squeeze.

“It’s okay,” she murmured quietly.

Bernie’s head shot up, her eyes watery and sad but to Serena's surprise there was also rage brimming beneath the surface. Serena guessed it was not directed at her but at Bernie herself which made it even more painful to see.

“No! It’s not okay! He was so young and smart and kind and so, so passionate! He should’ve come home. He should’ve opened a restaurant he’d been dreaming about ever since he was a little boy whose grandmother was teaching him how to cook.” Bernie’s voice broke, a few tears escaping her eyes but she didn’t even seem to notice.

“There was so much that he should’ve had the chance to do but he didn’t because he got shot and I didn’t save him. And none of this is okay!”

“Bernie,” Serena breathed out, pulling Bernie forward and into her arms, meeting no resistance. She rocked the body in her arms gently while pressing it tightly against her own as if trying to physically keep the other woman together.

Bernie let out a small sniffle.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise,” Serena shook her head. Bernie had nothing to be sorry for, she was the one who had messed up.

“I just wanted to go there to- it’s 6 years since he died next week. And I wanted to- Middle Eastern food, the flavours, spices, smells, it all reminds me of him,” Bernie spoke into Serena’s shoulder. “And he was almost like a baby brother to me.”

“I’m sorry, Bernie. I’m sorry you lost him and I’m sorry for how I behaved.” Serena pressed a kiss into Bernie’s hair.

Bernie pulled back but kept her arms wrapped around Serena.

“You’re right. Even if we get out of here on time, it’ll be after seven at best before we can get going, well after eight once we get there and then we'll have to drive back after we’re finished. It was a silly idea. I actually wanted to go next week but the day of his... it wasn’t working for both of us and I didn’t want to go alone,” Bernie finished quietly, shyly.

“Then we’ll ask Ric or someone else to cover for us. We’ll go next week, do half-shifts if we need to, take the evening off and have dinner to commemorate Nicholas,” Serena said, brushing Bernie’s hair away from her face.

“Really? You’d do that?” Bernie asked, her face so hopeful and almost childlike Serena would have given her anything she could've asked for in this moment.

“Absolutely!”

“But what about, I mean, you said you didn’t like Middle Eastern food,” Bernie said cautiously, as if scared Serena was going to suddenly change her mind.

“Well, I haven’t exactly had much experience with it, to be honest. So we’ll go and you can suggest the best dishes on the menu for me to try,” Serena smiled, pressing a kiss the Bernie’s nose. “And we’ll just hope the reviews were accurate.”

No, Bernie wasn’t quick to open up, especially about her time in the army. So stories like this, memories like this were rarely shared and Serena treasured them all the more because of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't meant to be angsty and I'm not quite sure how this happened. Sorry?  
> Hope you enjoyed it anyway.  
> Please, leave a comment?


	6. Bernie wants to retire and so does Serena

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pers has been an absolute champion, providing us all with quality Berena content on Tumblr. So I finally managed to find the time to write the last chapter for this (and by finding time I mean I didn't feel like taking notes during the lecture so I finished and edited this instead).  
> Hope you enjoy!

When the offending object which her phone had recently become known as in Serena’s head let out an annoying shrill to let the couple huddled together under the blanket know it was time to wake up for another day at work, Serena was fairly certain someone had made time move at least twice as quickly as usual. There was no way they had gotten 6 hours of sleep, it had gone by literally in the blink of an eye, the blink perhaps a tad longer than usual but one nevertheless.

Serena turned the alarm off and buried her head under the blanket, cuddling back into Bernie’s warm body splayed diagonally across the bed. At the beginning of their relationship Serena had found it a little bit annoying and slightly difficult to get used to the fact that she had a lover who, despite having had to put up with ridiculously uncomfortable surfaces trying to pass as beds in the past, enjoyed the vast expanse of a comfortable bed as much as Serena herself, if not even more so.

Serena had asked once in the early days of their cohabitation from Bernie to keep her long legs and strong arms closer to her own body, with the intention of getting the possession of some of the vast space of her luxurious bed back to herself. This had resulted in Bernie pulling in on herself both literally and figuratively, staying close to the edge of the bed and attempting to take up as little space as possible until Serena had pulled the outwardly tough but really an astonishingly sensitive woman back to the center of the bed and curling her own body around Bernie’s. And that’s how they found the sleeping position which they both quickly started to prefer over any other – Bernie splayed across whichever surface they were sleeping on and Serena curled around her.

“Please say it’s not morning,” Bernie mumbled into Serena’s hair, pulling her body almost on top of her own.

“Afraid so,” came Serena’s response, almost completely muffled by Bernie’s shoulder.

“I won't go,” Bernie said with what looked shockingly similar to a pout on her lips.

“If you don’t, I won’t.”

“Good. Bed’s much less cozy without you,” Bernie murmured, tightening her hold on Serena’s body, already drifting back into dream land.

Serena’s last thought before following Bernie was that she really really didn’t want to go to work.

***

When they were brutally forced back into the world of the living by Serena’s phone repeating it’s earlier performance 10 minutes later, they had no other option but to force their bodies out of bed to face the day. The heavy rain falling outside did nothing to entice them to the prospect of going outside to drive to the hospital.

After brushing her teeth and making two cups of coffee strong enough to be used as jet fuel while half-asleep, Bernie dragged herself back into bathroom to bring the second cup to Serena. Instead of standing in front of the mirror Bernie pulled herself up to sit on the counter to watch Serena, who had leaned against her thigh as soon as she was settled, apply her makeup, deciding she couldn’t be bothered to do her own this morning.

Serena noticed Bernie not picking up her usual products tucked into a small cosmetics bag on the counter. Knowing Bernie would regret not having made even the slightest effort later in the day, Serena applied some moisturiser, concealer and a little bit of eye makeup to Bernie’s face for her once she was done with her own. The smile Bernie offered to show her gratitude enough to make up for the lack of sunlight this morning. Serena couldn’t, didn’t want to, and really had no reason to stop herself from pressing a soft, lingering kiss to Bernie’s smiling lips.

When they were eating breakfast, having put as little effort into it as possible, Bernie propped her feet up onto Serena’s thighs. Serena found herself not for the first time in the past few months contemplating about how long she actually wanted to continue working as a surgeon. Of course she liked her job, she loved being a doctor, but recently it had felt less and less rewarding for what seemed to be more and more effort that went into it. She had worked in Holby for years, running a ward, being a deputy CEO, even after stepping down she had done more than her fair share to keep the place running smoothly.

But she was getting to the age where she didn’t want to put in long hours at the expense of her own life anymore. When she was a divorcee with an almost grown up child and no nephew in the picture, she had more than enjoyed the career she had worked so damn long and hard for. But now that she had something she could not wait to come back home to, she felt the need to re-think about her priorities and what was really important to her. Yes, she worked with Bernie, and what they had at work as co-leads and partners was what they had built upon the life they shared at home, but now the latter had become more important.

Bernie in theater was a force to be reckoned with and one Serena would never tire of witnessing, but there was a very strong case to be made for Bernie who looked so soft and simply adorable curled up in ‘her’ armchair by the sitting room window, reading a book; for Bernie who looked like a Greek goddess when she was slightly sweaty from the hot summer sun blazing down on them as they work in their garden; for Bernie who had while living with Serena rediscovered her love for cooking and actually squealed in delight whenever she nailed a new recipe; for Bernie who always wrapped her arms tightly around Serena when she joined her in bed, even if she was already asleep; for Bernie-

Serena cut herself off, her thoughts having wandered off in a direction she did not have time for this morning. Oh, yes, Major Wolfe the Surgeon was what Serena had initially become completely besotted with, but just Bernie, Serena’s very own soft and strong and loving Bernie was something Serena could no longer imagine living without and could not seem to get enough of.

Perhaps it was time to hang up the leopard print cap, leave behind Miss Campbell and enjoy the rest of her life as just Serena. But Serena found herself stumbling over a thought which instantly pulled the plug on her dream of a cozy retired life with Bernie – would Bernie be willing to step down with Serena?

***

Bernie was standing in line, waiting for her turn to order coffee for herself and Serena. Bernie had been pulled into theater the moment they had arrived this morning and by the time she was finished, Serena had been fetched away from the ward and into theater as well. Hearing from Fletch that she was due to finish any time now, Bernie had hurried down to Pulses to get a caffeine recharge for both herself and Serena.

She hadn’t had a good night’s sleep last night and leaning over an operating table for hours hadn’t been kind to her back which was now struggling to keep her upright. Bernie tried to keep her torso as straight as possible, habit enforced by the military and maintained by a dodgy back, but it did very little to ease the tension and spasms currently torturing her. The thought of lying down until it was her turn to order becoming more and more intrusive with each passing moment.

Finally, with two cups of coffee and cheese and ham sandwiches in hand, she made her way to the elevator, gritting her teeth to stop herself from wincing at every step she took. Not able to bring herself to respond to a greeting from a former Keller colleague exiting the elevator, she was now willing to actually beg Serena to give her a massage but desperately hoping she wouldn’t have to.

The sight of Serena sitting behind her desk, leaning back into the chair, face turned upwards, felt like a blessing, the prospect of pain relief now within her reach making her already feel a bit better.

“Hey, you,” Bernie said quietly, setting the things in her hands down on Serena’s desk.

“Oh, you are a heaven send!” Serena said when she noticed what Bernie had brought, grateful she wouldn’t have to bring herself lunch, grateful she had a thoughtful partner to do it for her.

“I try,” Bernie’s lips stretched into a small smile which came easier now that she was in Serena’s company, as she turned to close the blinds all around the office. Her actions earned her a questioning rise of Serena’s eyebrows.

“I hope you have no indecent intentions, Miss Wolfe, because I am too tired and too hungry right now to do anything but consume this heavenly offering you have brought,” she said wryly, reaching for the cup Bernie had set down closer to her.

“Oh,” Bernie said dejectedly, stopping next to Serena’s desk, hands falling limply by her side. She wasn’t sure if she was able to keep going without a massage to ease her pain and though she was still willing to beg for it, she didn’t want to force Serena into doing something she was too tired for.

“What?” Serena asked, noticing Bernie’s reaction. “You didn’t actually think we were going to have dessert with these sandwiches as well?”

“What? Oh, no, of course not” Bernie said, moving over to sit down, her movements stiff and accompanied by a hitch in her breath as she lowered herself to the guest chair.

“Then wh- oh!” realisation dawned on Serena. “Why didn’t you tell me your back was acting up again?!”

Serena set down her drink and used her feet to pull her own chair closer to the one Bernie was stiffly perched on.

“I was going to,” Bernie mumbled, cautiously reaching for her own coffee. Serena handed it to her, tutting in admonishment at Bernie’s response. Bernie bestowed another small and pained smile at Serena in gratitude.

“Okay, turn around,” Serena said after Bernie had taken a sip, indicating for Bernie to straddle the chair, facing the back. “Massage and coffee, then food.”

“Oh, I am so lucky to have you, Serena!” Bernie said earnestly as Serena pulled her gently to her feet so she could turn around and straddle the chair instead on sitting on it properly to give Serena better access.

“And don’t you forget it,” Serena said, but her voice betrayed her real reaction to Bernie’s words.

Bernie let out a relieved sigh as she leaned forward to rest her forearms on the back rest of the chair. The feel of Serena’s warm hands pushing her scrub top up to work on the tense muscles of her lower back was dancing on the fine line between pleasure and pain and she loved every moment of it.

Actually, and at the extreme risk of sounding completely soppy, Bernie loved every moment she got to spend with Serena. And she truly despised the fact that she was at the age where her already injured back was beginning to hamper her ability to perform her duty as a surgeon. Bernie was well renowned for her ability to compartmentalise whenever she needed to focus all her attention on saving someone while simultaneously ignoring enemy fire, desert sun, lack of sleep and in some cases all three.

But enter one Serena Campbell and what do you know: tough on the outside, secretly soft on the inside Major Wolfe had started to soften up on the outside as well and what was the most shocking about all of this was that she didn’t mind on single bit. If she ever had to choose between being tough as nails and the best surgeon in the world or being a ridiculous softie and in Serena’s arms, she would choose the latter, no hesitation.

Bernie realised that she had had an amazing career. It had its setbacks but all in all, she achieved more than she could have ever even dreamed of. But now, there were no ambitions left, no more exciting adventures she hadn’t had a chance to embark on before. All she wanted to do was settle down, spend time with Serena and their little family, go on early morning jogs only to cuddle back up in bed with Serena after taking a shower, help Serena plant new flowers by the front gate and build birdhouses for the back garden.

Bernie had never thought of herself as the domestic kind but that was before she had found a home to which she belonged.

***

The day had been relatively average with its ups and downs, moments of peace and quiet and moments of hustle and bustle. Nevertheless, both Bernie and Serena were more than delighted to be home from work at the end of the day, eating a simple pasta dinner in front of the TV, watching old episodes of Midsomer Murders from back when John Nettles was still in it (who Serena had one evening, while a little inebriated, begrudgingly admitted to having once had a crush on) and detective sergeant Troy was demonstrating his inability to drive a car.

“You know, I used to dream of living in a place like this years ago when the show first started,” Bernie said out of nowhere, her fingers carding through Serena’s air in a mindless gesture which made Serena almost purr.

“What, in a place where every other person gets murdered in a manner more creative than the last?” Serena asked jokingly.

Bernie let out a snort, tugging on Serena’s hair with a slightest bit more force in response, unknowingly almost causing Serena to let a moan past her slightly parted lips. Serena tried to focus to bring her attention back to the conversation they were having but refusing to completely ignore the warmth spreading through her body, she pressed her face against Bernie’s neck, peppering kisses on the soft skin below Bernie’s ear.

Bernie hummed in pleasure at the sensation of Serena’s warm and soft lips against her skin, for a moment losing track of what they were talking about herself.

“If there is anything that makes you want to live somewhere, it’s interesting and frequent criminal activity.” Her joking tone getting drowned by pleasure.

Serena pulled away from Bernie’s neck, causing Bernie to let out a mewl of discontent at the loss of contact.

“You know, I never actually had you down as the kind of person who wants to live in a small village and grow roses and be subject to local gossip,” Serena said, genuinely a little surprised by Bernie’s earlier statement.

“We have roses in the garden!” Bernie said a little defensively, her former distraction forgotten.

“We do,” Serena agreed. “I just never thought of you as someone who would want to, well, settle down like this, I suppose. Taking bins out in slipper and all that.”

Bernie was taken aback by Serena’s words, suddenly nervous and worried about how she had come across to Serena during their relationship, if Serena really didn’t think Bernie wanted the kind of life they were living here in Holby.

“Wha- Serena, I-” Bernie struggled to get the words out. “I have- I mean, does this- what do you-”

“Okay, darling, take a deep breath,” Serena said, sitting up straight, rubbing the hand resting on Bernie’s jean covered thigh up and down in a soothing motion to relax her partner.

Bernie followed Serena’s order, breathing deeply in and out a few times before continuing.

“I thought that I had settled down,” Bernie said slowly, her voice measured. “Here, with you. Do you, I mean, you make it sound like I’m constantly one foot out the door, ready to bolt again.”

Serena was about to cut in but Bernie pushed on now that she had found her voice again.

“Do you? Expect me to leave, that is? For us not to- to last?” Bernie’s voice broke at the last word, the dreams of a quiet retirement with the love of her life slipping away from her grasp.

“No!” Serena said heatedly, her finger’s softly grasping Bernie’s chin to make her look at her. She repeated more evenly, “No. I mean I did for a while after- after Ukraine. But not anymore.”

“But?” Bernie asked, sensing there was more Serena wanted to say, more she herself needed to hear.

Serena let out a sigh, remembering her thoughts earlier this morning, worried that Bernie would tell her point blank that she would not give up her job.

“I just didn’t think you would want to settle down fully… retire,” Serena added the last word so quietly she wasn’t sure if Bernie could hear, wasn’t sure if she wanted her to.

Bernie stayed silent as if contemplating something for a moment, before saying, “I suppose I didn’t either. I mean, when I was younger. I’ve always wanted to explore the world, work, save lives until I dropped. You know how it is,” she trailed off.

The sudden resurgence of hope almost overwhelmed Serena at Bernie’s use of the past tense and all she managed in response was a nod. And she did know what Bernie was talking about, perhaps not working until she ‘dropped’ as Bernie had so charmingly put it, but nevertheless she used to think she would continue working until she no longer could, that opinion on the probable course of her life having changed only recently.

“But I remember dreaming about settling down in a place like this when the series first began,” Bernie tilted her head towards the TV where DCI Barnaby was busy being high on weed. “It was kind of silly actually because by the time I started thinking about a life like this for myself I realised it might be too late for that dream to come true for me.”

“No, Bernie, it’s not silly and it’s not too late. It isn’t now and it certainly wasn’t back then.”

“Do you think?” Bernie asked, looking at Serena’s eyes searchingly, as if expecting Serena to lie for her benefit. Serena was slightly hurt by Bernie’s assumption but ignored it, knowing it didn’t really have anything to do with Bernie not trusting her but Bernie still finding it a little difficult to accept that someone would love and support her so unconditionally.

“Of course it’s not too late. We have years ahead for us. There is no reason we couldn’t move to a place like this,” Serena said, trying to convey the sincerity behind her words into her voice.

“What- what about work? It’d be quite a drive into work every day. And this house?”

“It’s just a house,” Serena looked around the room as if assessing it’s value to her. “I have many fond memories related to it but selling this house would not mean losing them, the memories would come with me.”

Bernie pressed a kiss to Serena’s hairline, squeezing the arm resting on the back of the sofa behind Serena around her shoulder more tightly, knowing Serena was talking about her memories of Elinor growing up in this house. And now Serena was willing to let go, not of Elinor but this physical attachment to the memory of her. Bernie couldn’t hide the pride shining in her eyes. She pressed another kiss to Serena’s forehead before pulling back again.

“What about work?” Bernie asked again.

“Well, we could think about retiring...” Serena trailed off, waiting for Bernie’s reaction to the idea before saying anything further on the topic, not having received a proper confirmation on Bernie’s thoughts on the topic earlier.

“Oh,” Bernie stayed silent for a minute, making Serena worried she had put her foot in it with the half-proposal she had made.

“I- I know how much you- you value your job. Of course I don’t expect you to go ahead and, well, what I mean is-”

Bernie cut Serena off, it now being her turn to ramble nervously without actually managing to form a coherent sentence.

“It’s okay, Serena,” she said with a small smile teasing her lips. “It’s okay.”

“Really?” Serena asked a little dumbly. “So, what? Do you want to…?”

“I have actually been thinking about it for a while now,” Bernie said, pulling Serena back to rest against herself. “We both have enough money saved to finally put our feet up and to be honest, I’m quite exhausted. It has been a long, long career. But I- I guess I was worried about bringing it up because I didn’t think you would want to leave Holby and your ward behind.”

“Our ward,” Serena corrected Bernie without a conscious thought, but not sounding all too serious, Bernie’s apparent agreement to enjoy the rest of their lives without night shifts and bureaucracy making her incapable of containing her grin.

“And I accept it may be a little difficult to leave after so many years but I think that it is time to step down and focus on myself. And you. Us,” Serena said, moving forward to press a kiss to the corner of Bernie’s mouth.

“So, that’s it?” Bernie asked, a little surprised the conversation she had simultaneously been putting off and trying to come up with ways to initiate had come to such a simple conclusion – Serena simply asked. Well, she almost did.

“I guess so,” Serena said. “I mean, it’s not like we’re going to be leaving next week. We could start with working half-time, we’d have more time to look for a place to move, maybe closer to the coast. And then, once they’ve found people to take the ward over from us, we can be off into the sunset to enjoy our well-deserved retirement with roses and nosy neighbours and-”

Serena was silenced by Bernie’s mouth on her lips.

“I do love you, Serena,” Bernie murmured against Serena’s lips before kissing her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it!  
> Hope you enjoyed it.  
> English is not my native language so pardon any mistakes I might have made.  
> I'm also ridiculously fond of comments so feel free to leave one behind for me to find and cherish!


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